The spirit of abandonment regarding friendship began on the playground beside the rainbow slide and empty apple juice boxes. It was very seldom that other little girls would play with me. I struggled to fit in. I didn’t have the name brand clothes, shoes, or up-to-date knowledge of what was trending. All through grade school until college, I was befriended for short periods of time and left behind the next. The majority of my experiences with friendships was being taken advantage of, hearing hurtful rumors about me, and having my hair physically cut off during a fifth grade spelling test, only to have the perpetrators later call me friend and even sister.
As my walk with Christ grew deeper, I found myself vulnerable and isolated. He began to remove toxic relationships and replace them with genuine godly love. I started to believe what HIS Word said about me. Still, there were relationships I settled for because I desired it; I thought I desired pain! I was told I wasn’t a good person and believed it, when all I wanted was to be respected and loved.
Unbeknownst to me in 2017, God would call me to ministry Kingdom to serve his daughters. He turned my ashes into beauty and began refining my heart. I felt humbled, thrilled, and honored to give God my “yes”; meanwhile, great fear followed.
Over time, I learned that you can’t outrun your wounds before clashing with your purpose. I had to face my wounds and understand that I needed intense healing, which I am still actively doing today. Apostle Dr. Matthew Stevenson III stated, “Figure out where your altar is broken. If you don’t, people won’t see God correctly through you.” Conviction struck my heart because I wanted people to see the love of God through me more than anything.
This part of my testimony is what I like to call my “Refining Process.”There must be a refining process to obtain a God-given community. The yearning for friendship, community, and lifelong connection with others is a gift from God. Nevertheless, my heart wasn’t ready for these types of friendships and godly connections. Something I wanted my whole life I wasn’t ready for.
The Holy Spirit had me sit with some hard questions. I encourage you to do the same in your free time. Ask yourself, “Why do I want community, what type of community do I want around me, how would I care for this community, and lastly, are my own desires blocking the relationships God wants to put in my life?”
My prayer is for every reader who’s experiencing this type of pain to hear my heart when I say I understand it’s very difficult to open up your heart again to others, even those sent by God.
“There is no fear in love. But perfect love casts out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.”1 John 4:18